After the break

After a one-week-break I had again an Ashtanga practice today. Last week I practiced some Vinyasa freestyle for giving my hamstrings a break: No forward bends and much hamstring-strengthening. And I put some castor-oil on the areas where it's hurting most. I have no idea if this will help anything but Arjuna once recommended it and so I try it. Perhaps it will help if I believe so :-)
Practice today was ok. I was extremely careful, did all forward bends with bent legs and so on. Actually it was better than I thought before. I felt a little pain in Uttitha Trikonasana and Prasarita Padottanasanas, but these were always the difficult poses related to my hamstrings. I only practiced until Purvottanasana, then Shalabasana (for the hamstrings) and some restoring poses. Anyway it was delightful to feel the energy of the Asthanga practice again. Other Yoga styles are also great but I never feel this intensity when I do any other kind of Yoga. I don't know why. It must be the combination of all the Ashtanga typical things. Let's see how it will go tomorrow.

Ashtanga depression

I'm having kind of a Yoga down right now. It is because of my old hamstring injury - a never-ending story. During the last two or three months it has changed so much and became so good again ... I really had hope, I really thought 'ok, that was it, it has gone, I'm over it'. I've had so much patience, you know, I have been suffering from it for 1,5 years. And I worked so much to improve it, to heal it. For two months at the beginning of this year I haven't practiced Ashtanga Yoga at all, I only did exercises for strengthening the backs of the legs, gentle stretching, taking care all the time, everything just to come over this problem. And slowly, very slowly it started working, it got better, there were also setbacks, but all in all it really got better and the peak of this development has been reached about three weeks ago. At this time I could practice with (almost) no need of variations and didn't have any uncomfortable feeling in the hamstrings. But it seems that always when I reach this point I immediatly start overdoing the practice. It must be so otherwise I can't explain why it is again this bad.
Ok, two weeks ago there was this weekend workshop with Andreas Schnittger - which was great by the way, I have to tell you about it another time - during the workshop I practiced full primary and the beginning of intermediate. And on the tuesday after the workshop again full primary in a Mysore class. Obviously this was too much. Since then my hamstrings hurt again, I cannot do most of standing positions without pain and so on. I could cry.
I have to struggle with myself very hard to see this still as a task, as a chance for learning and developing. Of course you can see it this way, you always learn a lot in a situation when your body does not work the way you want it to work. On the one hand you can try to change your body, but first of all you have to change your mind. Ok, I see it this way, but nevertheless I am sad, disappointed, frustrated ...
It is like you are running, running, running and you can almost bite into the carrot but everytime you close your mouth you see that the carrot is again a mile ahead.
I even had thoughts like 'perhaps this style of Yoga is not for me, is not for my body, perhaps my body is not appropriate for Ashtanga Yoga' and so on. But I cannot think about quitting Ashtanga Yoga seriously. No. It is a too big part of my life. And I want to come over this damn hamstring problem! Stopping now would be giving up.
So, again I start working. And it will go on and on and on. And perhaps some day I will have strong, flexible hamstrings ... and perhaps I will not. I think I have to make friends with this thought.
This is a new thought I learned from Andreas at the workshop: There are people who are practicing primary for their lifetime. And it is enough, it is good. I'm used to thoughts like 'I have to practice so that I can go on, so that I can finish primary and move to intermediate' and so on. But this is not the point. It is the practice and not what we practice. And if we are constrained in any way - may it be time or age or health - perhaps we will never finish primary. And this would be absolutely ok.
I think I have to get used to that kind of thinking.
I'm sorry for this whiny post.

Janu C and other stress factors

Puh, back in the middle of a stressful week. I will be so glad when my darling will be cured. It's hard to be responsible alone for a two-persons-household. My deepest respect to all working mothers who are raising children in addition to work. Now I've just finished my tasks for today - or let's say I've stopped because there would always be something else to do. Now I have a little time left for reading in my new book 'Yoga Mala' by Pattabhi Jois himself. Probably a shame that I got it not until now. I am curious.

Good morning practices yesterday and today. Today I came until Janu Sirsasana C. This is one of the poses I don't even have a clue about. How should this work? It is absolutely not possible to rotate the foot that way. And my hips usually aren't that stiff. Hm. I'm waiting for a small enlightenment concerning this pose. Are there any tricks or useful preparations? Perhaps the upcoming workshop will bring some light in the Janu Sirsasana C darkness.

Are muscles feminine?

Three weeks ago I was at a friend's wedding and today we finally got to see all the photos one of the other guests made. As I discovered myself on one of the photos I was completly in shock: I'm looking like a hobby weightlifter or body builder with these muscles. Horrible! When I see such photos I'm really getting my doubts if it is all good what Ashtanga is doing to a woman's arms and shoulders. But see yourself, here it is:


I was really appalled as I saw this. Of course you can tell yourself that this is sporty and athletic but it has definitly nothing to do with slender and feminine. Hm, I'm not quite sure what to think about this. On the one hand there is a little bit pride because you know that it was hard work that makes you looking this way but on the other hand I don't know if I want to look this way. It's hard at the limit. And my boyfriend doesn't like it so much either. Of course this is not as important as my opinion but it is also a factor.
Ashtanga Yoginis out there, is there anybody who knows this problem? Of being afraid that your arms and shoulders look too beefy and mascular? I really would be glad about some comments.
But I guess there is no choice. I want to do Ashtanga, I am comitted to this tradition and this just is the way it changes my body. I can do nothing but accept this.

Autumn sunday

We had a very nice autumn day here, cool, fresh air, a clear sky and colorful trees everywhere. I started the day with a run through the forest, it was really nice, mentally it is as relaxing as it is physically exhausting. First of all I love the silence you can find in the forest. Especially in this season when the animals are getting quiet too there are moments when you can only hear your breath and your steps. It is such a relief from the non-stop background noise you usually have.

So the day started good and it went on even better as I managed to cook some delicious Indian chickpea-eggplant-curry. For being able to appreciate this you have to know that I cook very seldom and when I cook it's even more seldom that it is really good. But I accepted this: you cannot have a fulltime job and be the perfect houswife at the same time. That's it.

The only disadvantage of this very nice day is that I haven't practiced Yoga. But I've practiced the last six days in a row, I guess it is ok to take one day off. Hm, sounds like an excuse. Let's start again tomorrow morning.

Laziness goes on ...

Today I did only a short practice in the evening: sun salutations, some standing positions and some playing around with hand- and headstand variations.
This weekend is so lazy. Of course the main reason is the temporary invalidity of my boyfriend. We simply cannot go out - or he cannot go out and I'm staying here with him. But it's ok. I always enjoy being at home because during the week I'm not much at home. But yesterday I managed one thing: my tax declaration is almost ready! I'm very proud of myself. And now I'm going to join my boyfriend on the sofa.

Barcelona

One month ago I spent four days in Barcelona, a beautiful, youthful, turbulent city on the Spanish east coast. For everybody this city has something to offer: culture, old town, modern town, beach life, party life, sightseeing ... And above of all this uncomparable, mediterranean summer feeling which I love, love, love. This city really has a lot of faces and is worth a visit in any case.

Of course I brought my Yoga mat and on Friday morning I paid a visit to Ashtanga Yoga Barcelona which is lead by authorized teacher Hojung Audenaerde. Her shala provides only Mysore classes, you can start in the morning between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. I got up at 7 a.m. and after getting ready tried to find my way to the shala, which was not that easy in this huge foreign city. But as I already had managed to get close to the shala I saw a man walking down the street who was obviously carrying a Yoga bag. I simply followed him and he lead me to my destination. As I arrived there were already a few practicioners and after having settled the formalities I also started. I think it was the first time that I practiced in a real Mysore-style shala and I was nearly overwhelmed by the great atmosphere. I guess there were always between ten and twenty people in the room but there would have been still more space. My practice was great, not physically but in all other dimensions. I found it simply great to practice in a room full of committed, like-minded Ashtangis, it definitly pushed my energy up. Hojung and her assistant walked through the lines and gave adjustments, verbal and physical. Hojung had a very calm and grave charisma, she definitly had the control over the room. She helped me in Uttitha Hasta Padangusthasana, her assistant helped me in Mari A so that I was almost able to bring my chin to the shin. And the highlight was Mari D: Hojung helped me so that I could bind on both sides, on the right side this was the first time ever! After Buja Pidasana which was only a poor attempt I did back bends and finishing positions. Great practice in Barcelona and once more I pitied myself for not having a Mysore shala near my home.

But next weekend we are having an Ashtanga workshop with Andreas Loh here in Erlangen. He is great and I'm looking forward to it.

Non-lazy practice on a lazy day

Today is a very lazy, relaxing holy day. We didn't get out of the bed before 1 p.m. But then I almost immediatly started my practice because I learned that if I don't do it right after getting up on free days the probability is high that I don't do it at all. It was a quite good practice, flexibility is as good as before the break. But apparently I started to fast and hurried through the standing poses. When I reached the seated poses I was so exhausted and out of breath that I took a short break, took ten deep breaths and said to myself that I should take it easy and slow. Then I went on with this changed attitude and tried to focus on a deep, calm breath. This way I finally reached Navasana and continued with back bends. As always right after getting up Urdhva Danurasana is difficult. It takes three attempts before it even starts feeling good. Then finishing positions for which I never have enough time during the week and Shavasana.
Practice was the only non-lazy thing I did today and yes, I started my tax declaration (for 2006!). Holy days are nice :-)

It is going on ...

Yes, I am still there though it doesn't seem so, I know. I have a rather stressful time now. Two weeks ago my darling had a stupid accident and hurt his left ankle. Several days and XRays later the diagnosis was that a part of his shinbone has been broken off ( the part is the so called "Volkmann-Triangle" for the medically interested readers). Then he had a surgery where they screwed the part back on the shinbone. And now he has a cast and lies at home on the sofa all the time. Of course this is a really bad thing for him and I feel so sorry but also for me it has some consequences. Mainly it is the fact that I now have to take care of every single thing that is to do in our life, household etc. And of course I'm trying to go to work as usual.
This is the reason why my daily practice has suffered in the past two weeks. But this week I renewed it and had some good practices. Best was yesterday when I managed all of Primary up to Navasana, today was a short one since we had to be at the doctor at about 8:00 am.
It is alarming how fast the body has changed in that two weeks with less Yoga: metabolism got inactive, muscles and tendons got stiff and the mood was also bad. OMG, it hurt so much when I started practicing on Monday. It felt as if I was doing Yoga for the first time in my life, horrible! But fortunately during this week the body has changed as fast the other way round. It definitly was a lesson in how important the daily practice is. I hope I'll manage to keep it up again. Tomorrow no work! It's the day of the German reunification, I'm so looking forward to this long weekend!